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Confession

It’s been a while since I have blogged. I think about it almost daily. Writing is a form of therapy for me, but for the last few months I just can’t bring myself to do it. But today, here I am. And I have a confession…

I’m a complete mess.

Sometimes I think on the outside it may look or seem as though I have it all together in the midst of all the brokenness and life storms my family has somehow meandered through throughout the past couple years. I think there may be a common misconception that because of the faith I rest on, there are less struggles, less questioning God, less tears, less anger, and the list goes on. Well I’m here to tell you that couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, my faith is my stronghold, but I am human.

Being human means being broken. It means asking questions. It means getting angry. It means being confused about God’s mighty plan. It means the tears flow and the struggles abound.

On a daily basis, I’m broken. I’m broken without my daughter and I’m broken without my dad, neither of which I can do anything about.

I ask questions…Why did Mabry have to suffer? Why did she have to go so young? I know she’s made a difference, but why couldn’t she make a difference in a different way? Why can’t I raise my daughter and do all the fun mother/daughter things everyone stereotypically does through the years? Why didn’t Tennessee pass laws mandating screening for Krabbe four years ago when they had the chance? Why can’t Mabry and Owen grow up together?

Why my dad? Why so suddenly? Why so young? Why him when he’s the life of the party and the light in the crowd? Why? Why? Why? Why?

And then… I get angry and confused. Many times, the tears flow.

But then there’s this:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.  Isaiah 55:9

We were not designed to understand God’s plan. I tend to forget that sometimes. He will eventually reveal to us His perfect plan, but it’s not up to us to figure it out. It’s up to us to trust Him. And while I disagree with much that has happened recently, I’m not God. Which reminds me of a song I have found comfort in lately. It’s called “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott. My husband said it perfectly today when he asked me if this was our anthem. And I think it is, but I also think it’s everyone’s anthem. Everyone has struggles and can relate to what this song so beautifully conveys:

Thy will be done.

I know you’re good, but this don’t feel good right now.

And I know you think of things I could never think about.

It’s hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise.

Just trying to make sense, of all your promises.

Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you’re God, and I am not. So…

Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done.

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is…

Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will.

I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord.

Your plans are for me, goodness you have in store.

I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord.

My most favorite verse of the whole song says, “Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you’re God, and I am not.” This is a welcomed reminder that I don’t have a clue and I’m an absolute mess, but God is always there holding me. Not only that, but He has my best interests in mind. He has YOUR best interests in mind. Our God is a God of compassion. When we hurt, He hurts, just as you hurt for your children when they are hurting. My God has compassion for me and showers me with love on a daily basis. Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I ask questions, sometimes I cry so hard I literally can’t breathe, but through it all… God is there.

Tonight I was a mess. Tonight I cried. Tonight I asked questions. Tonight I got angry and confused. But tonight, God reminded me and wants me to remind you that He is compassionate and He IS love. He created the WHOLE universe for crying out loud. How can we not trust Him?

 

 

 

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